Immersion
October 3, 2009 by hames-1977
You lied to me about baptism. The intoxication
and its sinful concoction sweating from some bottles
whose name sounds like a saint I worshipped
night after night.
I gulped down gallons like the torrential rains outside.
Submerged in the bubble of nameless strangers
in the watering hole. Kindred souls searching
for some kind of salvation.
The cloud of smoke, its humid and hazy steam blurred
my visions into hallucinations. Of angels and demons
dancing in revelry. The dirt and grime camouflaging
the filth of the mundane.
The surging numbness of a hundred knives dripping down
my throat. Felt like hell on earth, whose flame creeping
a river of fire. Dissecting, invading, lacerating my innards
into a violent storm.
A deluge I have cried and my salty tears breaching
these floodgates of the dam. I swam away from this murky tide,
its rampaging waters, swelling a flood into my bloodstream.
Drowned in a landslide.
This is not the heaven you promised. You lied.
Marvin,
Fierce!
I could not possibly write a poem with such an intesity of rage as this. I have poem/prose about my life inside the seminary that I left unfinished because I feel like I don’t have the heart to confront many things that I grew up believing that shattered right before me at such a young age.
Perhaps when I’m older, maybe then I would have a better view of things and see my part in the whole picture with much clarity, to be more objective with all that happened and not be overwhelmed by pain still resurging.
I’m not really sure what inspired or brought you writing this poem tinged with angst, and with voice confrontational, daring to question sacred ceremony; its sanctity ingrained to believers.
This is controversial.
To me, it brings back some thoughts, the questions, the “what if’s?” about the truth instilled in us to believe. What if there’s really nothing more after life? What if all we believe, everything that was taught about heaven are all lies? What if we are just like bubbles floating in the air and when we pop, we’re gone? If baptism is a lie, then what else is truth?
Thought-provoking poem, I commend your courage in expressing something that only a few would have the heart(bulls!) to say it.
I wish you well.
~ Jeques
* Postscript:
In the line: “Dissecting, invading, lacerating my inwards . . .”
I thought you mean, “INNARDS?” which is the internal organs. ~ Jeques
jeques,
this is a manifestation that even i, experiences pain, rage, anger and despair like the most of us. no exceptions. i am compelled to pen this poem as it is, honest and true to the grit emotions which i know that most can relate with. when pangs of unbelief overwhelms a weary soul and who is trying to shake away disillusions and the sanctimonious hypocrisy of those professing to be christians. again, i am no exception.
i am grappled with these questions while the fear of exposing the true state of my mind in the moment haunts me. i have taken enough courage to pull away from the ordinary and the cliche’ of niceties i put down in my writing. a vulnerability i am exposing myself into scrutiny.
this is also an introspection and a bold statement, loud and clear daring enough, waiting to be answered. i am also surprised of what my inner strength can become, which you say courage, to defy the conventions of christian life i have.
but soon enough, i surrender back into tears, subjecting myself under the shadow of God’s love, despite the darkness of clouds hovers above me. believing that God will show a way for understanding and answer the questions, when the time is right.
i realized, that i am still a speck. and my questions will just be construed as foolishness in the magnanimity of God’s wisdom i cannot struggle with. this fact i will still have to accept and keep my faith.
i would like to thank you for the interest you had for my works. may you had a great day for the rest of the week.
best of times,
marvin